There was once a newly ordained minister who struggled to hold the attention of the congregation. Concerned that his preaching wasn’t being heard, he sought out the wisdom of another more experienced than himself.

One day after church the young minister voiced his concerns to a fellow minister who appeared to have mastered the art of preaching. “It seems every time I stand up to preach people tend to fall asleep. Tell me, how do you manage to keep people awake and to pay attention during your sermons?” The young minister inquired.

“Well, you really have to put some zest into the delivery.” the older minister replied.

“But how do you train yourself to speak with such force?” the younger minister prompted.

A twinkle crept into the eyes of the elderly gentlemen as he drawled his response. “Well now, I wouldn’t say that it takes any particular training, it’s more of a substance induced
energy. On the days that I am scheduled to preach, I always take a shot of schnapps before leaving the house in the mornings to enhance my performance.”

The next Sunday the young minister was scheduled to preach in church, he was as usual nervous about getting up in front of the congregation. Thankfully, before packing his wife and kids into the buggy and heading to church, he remembered what the other minister had told him.

Retrieving the bottle of schnapps kept in the house for medical purposes he took a big swallow, followed by a couple more, feeling pretty nerved up he wanted to ensure that the magic potion would do its part.

That morning when the preachers made their way upstairs for the op rot, the young minister stumbled and almost fell down the stairs, which caused him some concern. Later, however, when he got up to preach, he was delighted to observe a very attentive and alert congregation.

After church the young minister once again sought out his role model. “So, what did you think of the sermon today?” he asked the minister with a touch of pride in his voice.

“Well, I have to say… today… was the first time I heard that Cain knocked the shit out of Abel.”

P.S. This is a story that I remember hearing while I was still with the Amish. Whether it’s true or not, I couldn’t say.